Monday, March 16, 2009

The Best One-Liner Ever

Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

OK, so, here it is: the deepest and most desperate longing of my heart is for inspiration. I get inspiration most strongly by making other people happy...by making them laugh.

Praise God, He has created me in such a way that all I ever want to do, all I most deeply yearn for, is to make other people happy. Sounds great, right?

Oh, would that it were so simple.

I could copy and paste countless portions of my personal journal where I write about the euphoria of making someone laugh - I describe it as the kind of high I'd imagine I would get from a drug. One of the best nights of my college career was when my friends and I went to a couple's house from church for dinner and for some reason I was particularly witty and kept thinking of one-liners and the husband of the couple saw my friend on campus two weeks later and raved about how funny I was. One of the best days in my Master's program was when we were working in small groups on a project and I kept coming up with (apparently) hilarious ideas. It was five years ago, but I remember like it was yesterday the moment my ex-boyfriend told me I should be a stand-up comedienne. It was the nicest thing he ever said to me - at least, to me it was. (To that I say...HAHAHA. Now that's a good one!)

My heart yearns for and feeds off of people's laughter like it is my life's blood. But see...it's not.

My problem was that the deepest desire of my heart is so obviously anointed and so obviously from God that I couldn't see that I had put it in place of God. I had put the inspiration I only sporadically got from people in place of the inspiration I could always have if I would just look to my Lord.

Of course, God knew it, too. For years and years now, God has constantly been telling me "I have to come first." I was constantly saying, "I know!!"

But I didn't, really. Here's a quick word - if God keeps telling you something over and over, and you keep saying "I know!" back to Him, but He continues to tell you that same thing over and over...you probably don't actually, like, have it. I'm just saying.

Cause I certainly didn't.

If the (ahem, repeated, and also ahem, frequent) conversations God and I had about this were instant messages, they would have looked something like this:

Me: Hi God!!!

God: Hi!!!!! <3 <3 <3

God: How are you??

Me: Good!

God: <3

God: I missed you yesterday! :( I was online all day hoping to talk to you. *sniff*

Me: I'm sorry! I just got so busy. Forgive me?

God: No probs. I already have. *hugs*

Me: So guess what?? I have to tell you something!

God: ??

Me: I am so excited to do Your will in my life!

God: Awww. You are totes presh. :)

Me: I mean it!! I want to go out and use everything You have given me to show everyone Your love and bring You glory! <3

God: Really?

Me: OMG YES!! It's going to be so great!!

God: *pout*

Me: Ahh, sorry! That was fail!

Me: * -OMG

God: :D

Me: So anyway, let's get started!! I want to do and experience and receive everything you have for me!

God: Awesome! But remember...I have to come first.

Me: I know!

God: Are you sure?

Me: Of course! You've been telling me that for years!

God: I am your source of love, of joy, of hope, of life, of everything.

Me: Yeah, like, I know! We're good!

God: You can't look to other people to inspire you. I have to be your first source of inspiration.

Me: OK, I got it! Really! :D

God: Great!!

Me: Now, please to be bringing a bunch of people into my life who think I'm funny? And could you maybe make one of them a cute boy?? Cause, I would, like, REALLY appreciate it. K THANKS!

Me: GTG. Love you! Bye! <3

God: *facepalm*

...yeah.

Now, please don't mistake me - all of the things that I was asking God for were Biblical, and they are all things He very much wants to give me. He has placed the desires of my heart within me, and He can and has and will continue to bless me by fulfilling them. He wants to surround me and put me in relationships with people who will inspire me and who I can sow into with humor and laughter and love every single day. Absolutely.

But God did not give me the desires of my heart for me to be an inspiration junkie - euphoric for fleeting moments and desperately longing and miserable and unfulfilled the rest of the time. Unfortunately, that's the way I've lived for years, up until just a few weeks ago. Oh, there were times I'd feel particularly spiritual and I'd sort of temporarily get it - during times of training or healing or restoration by God when I was in constant communion with Him, but I would always sort of let it drop and lose it, convinced that now, surely I was ready and God would now, surely bless me with constant inspiration from people and I'd finally be happy all the time! But invariably, I'd fall back into despair when the people around me couldn't satisfy the deepest longings of my soul. I didn't understand that God had been trying to give me inspiration all along - from Himself.

So how did He finally get to me, you ask?

He allowed my heart to be broken.

Well, first, He isolated me (again). He had me move into my own apartment at the beginning of February after three months of living with my best friends. I knew the apartment was a blessing straight from God - it is closer to work and closer to church and is pretty much perfect for my puppy and me in every way at this time in our lives. Oh, also, He told me it was straight from Him. So, naturally, I moved.

And then, right after I moved, He cut me off from everyone. All my closest friends became either sick or busy or...unwilling to spend time with me anymore. The last of those three shattered my heart in a way that it hasn't been broken in years...possibly ever. And when that happened, He had arranged it so that I had no one else to turn to but Him.

But He allowed it to happen because He knew that this time, I would come running to Him not just for comfort and healing and His divine wisdom to make sense of it all (all of which He provided, of course, praise God!), but also, at long last, for my life's blood. For sustenance. For inspiration.

At the moment when my heart was most raw and vulnerable and needy, He pushed through my stubbornness and blindness and after a lifetime of self-deception, I finally understood what He has been so desperately trying to tell me all along - the vital lesson that I had to learn before He could continue to further His plan and pour out His blessings in my life. For some inexplicable reason that only He knows, praise God, this time, I finally got it.

He is my inspiration. He is a well of light and love and joy that will never run dry.

And so, four weeks ago tonight, I found myself jumping around my apartment singing praise songs (a wonderful benefit of living alone!), and God and I had a much different - much improved - instant message conversation:

Me: God!!! I love you!!! You are my everything!! I finally understand!!

God: YAY!!!!!! This is wonderful!!!! I LOVE YOU TOO!!! :D :D :D

I finally opened my heart and allowed Him to fill me up with the constant inspiration that can only come from Him, and I have been walking around euphoric with it ever since.

And let me tell you, His is, without doubt, the most brilliant smile I have ever seen. ;)

2 comments:

Kimberley said...

I LOVE this post, especially the 'text messages' with God thing. Hahahaha. That's hilarious and so true. :)

Big Baptist Daddy said...

I cannot help but notice God talks an awful lot like someone else we both know. (With all of his :D :D :D's)