Wednesday, April 29, 2009

The Tick that Broke the Camel's Back

The LORD will indeed give what is good, and our land will yield its harvest. Righteousness goes before him and prepares the way for his steps. Psalm 85:12-13

I've been through some things in the last few months that would cause most people to fling themselves under the nearest oncoming Mack truck. Thankfully, God has been working in me in huge, powerful ways and He enabled me to handle them with a grace that I can barely even comprehend, much less even dream of mustering up myself. He is amazing, and, coming from a volatile, sarcastic, easily-embittered girl who is far quicker with a biting one-liner than a word of peace and forgiveness, I am so, so grateful that when I begged Him to take my human tendencies away and please let the Holy Spirit shine out through me instead (because, like, I know how I am!), He absolutely has...when I let Him. I'm constantly working on that. But praise God, He shows up when you ask. Wow, does He ever.

Still, though, it's me...and sometimes my humanness takes over.

I thought I had been doing pretty well the last couple of weeks. I mean, I'd been walking in faith (pretty much), perservering (when I had the energy), believing (when I saw a little progress), listening for God (when I felt like it)...all of that wonderful stuff. I'd been praying (well, not like I had in weeks before, but still!) and spending time with God (kind of) and had been living in sort of a plateau of waiting on Him. I kept holding the rope (limply) and seeing the vision (when I squinted) and trusting Him (mostly) and that was fine. I was fine. Or so I thought.

On Monday, I let a conversation I'd had with my best friend the day before eat at me and dig into me all day instead of giving it up to God. It was dumb, and didn't really matter anyway - I see that now. But even so, I allowed myself to get all in a fit over it. It's so silly what I let myself get upset about sometimes.

By Monday evening, after whining about it to several other people and letting them talk me back into my senses, I thought I had calmed down...calmed down enough, at least, to take a shower, collect myself, and start praying for the following day. But when I went into the bathroom and got ready to get in the shower, I looked down at my stomach and saw, from walking my puppy in the park earlier, that a tick had attached itself to me.

I screamed. I yanked the tick off of me and drowned it in the sink.

And then I totally lost it.

I threw on my bathrobe, dragged myself out to the living room, collapsed onto the couch, and burst into tears. "That. Is. IT!!" I yelled at God. I pounded my fists on the futon cushion under me. "I can't do this anymore!! I can't wait anymore!! I can't be jobless anymore!! I can't be broke anymore!! I can't be alone anymore!!"

At that moment, as if on cue, my toy poodle puppy, who had been watching me with quite a bit of concern, jumped up onto the couch beside me, climbed into my lap, put her paws on my chest, stuck her nose in my face, and started licking me. I was startled out of my pity party. Once she saw that she shut me up, she curled up in my lap, rested her head on my knee, and sighed contentedly.

It was kind of hard to keep wailing after that.

No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Joshua 1:5

Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree, and instead of briers the myrtle will grow. This will be for the LORD's renown, for an everlasting sign which will not be destroyed. Isaiah 55:13


Janet said...

Elisse, Thanks for your blog! This was an inspiration to read ... I'm praying for the right job to come along and grab you! Janet